Dinner Plans Deserted
by Luna-k
Summary: In Which Steve and Tony have to explain gay marriage to Thor, Lady Sif and The Warriors Three are recruited for a Foolish task, and family is infuriating.  Mix of Thor film-verse and Avengers comic-verse.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **

**Comments are always immensely appreciated. If you like the story, and would enjoy seeing more like it in the future, I don't know that unless you tell me. Thanks for reading.**

**Enjoy!**

"What is it we speak of, my friends?" Thor asked loudly as he swept into the kitchen and dropped into the chair beside Steve's.

Steve pushed his chair over to give his team mate ample space at the counter before answering. "The law that just passed."

"There is a new decree in thine land?"

Steve nodded while Tony reminded himself not to laugh at the God of Thunder.

"One of importance?" Thor began to play with a lone apple, "Is it just?"

"Yes." Steve looked pleased. "It is. Equality is always just."

"It's the gay marriage law, in case Steve here's boy scout routine was too vague." Tony threw out between sips of the coffee he was hiding his face in. Steve frowned at the remark and Thor just stared blankly, blue eyes searching.

"I do not know of this, what doth is state?"

"Homosexuals can be wed in New York now." Steve explained.

"What is a homosexual?"

Tony took his face out of his mug and smirked. "A man who likes to fuck other me—"

"Tony!" Steve scolded, blushing, then turned pointedly back to Thor. "A homosexual, or a gay person (which has been the slang term since my day, 'though I'd never actually heard that), is a person who is only romantically interested in people that are of the same gender."

Thor's creased brow furrowed further. "Explain." He urged.

Steve paused, trying to re-order an explanation in his mind.

"Thor, buddy," Tony began as he pushed his cup towards the sink. "Back in Asgard, didja' ever know anybody who just wasn't into to the opposite sex? Somebody who would prefer to fall into bed with their own. You do realize that happens, right?" Tony looked like he was trying not to be too amused. Thor just nodded, still frowning.

"I do know this happens."

"So, what didn't you get, big guy?"

"You had said 'romantic', spoke of marriage, what does the type of union of which you speak have to do with such things?"

"Maybe you should just tell us how that sort of thing worked back home, so we can better explain." Steve offered. Tony nodded noncommittally beside him.

"Well," Thor began, looking more ill-at-ease than one usually saw him. "A warrior may on occasion take a man for his pleasure, or to display his dominance (though most Asgardians would heartily disapprove of the second occurrence)." He fidgeted his large body awkwardly. "Only one who is argr would willingly submit himself to another man's pleasure in such a way,"

"argr?" Steve asked.

"Weak, womanly, cowardly. The kind who is dishonorable, who would practice Seid."

"Se-" Steve began to ask.

"Magic," Tony filled in, "right?"

"Aye." Thor nodded gravely. "The tricks of women."

"Like.." Steve hesitated, but ventured on carefully. "Like what your brother does?"

"Aye, Loki uses women's magic." Thor agreed stiffly.

"So," Steve began again, unsure, "Most asgardians would assume he was, um, argr?"

"He's not!" The Aesir slammed a large fist into Tony's expensive marble counter-top.

"Woah, now!" Tony reached around to place a calming hand on his angry team-mates shoulder. "I'm sure Steve wasn't saying that Loki was like that. He's just curious about different perspectives, right?"

"I didn't mean any offense! I'm sure he isn't like that, although there's nothing wrong with the gay lifestyle; it doesn't really make a man weak or cowardly. I knew a guy, back during the war, wh-"

"Hush, Steve." Tony interrupted. "Not the time for war stories."

"No offense is taken, friend Steven." Thor gave a gruff smile. "People have said such things of him before, and it gives me no end of grief."

"People don't see it so negatively now a days, you know." Steve attempted again. "It's not one man degrading another, or one woman-"

"Maidens do not do such things!" Thor interrupted with indignation.

Tony chuckled through his smirk. "Your reality is not as fun as mine."

"Tony, stop it." Steve chided. "It's not shameful anymore, just love like any other." He paused, switching strategies. " You know Wiccan and Hulkling; they're in a romantic relationship." Thor only looked horrified in response, but Steve forged on, "Love is love, as long as it's between two consenting adults who are comfortable and care deeply for each other. Then it's a beautiful thing." He searched his friend's face for comprehension. "Two equals, in a committed relationship. Same as a man with a woman, except…without one."

"So, it is the norm now, for two men to lay together without the disgrace of the one who is womanly?"

"Yes…but, the point is sort of that neither of them need to be seen as womanly." Steve was truly unsure about whether his point was getting across clearly to the divinity who sat beside him, arms braced against the counter.

Thor continued to frown.

"I think we broke him." Tony couldn't help but let his lips quirk up.

"Nay, you have simply made me pensive, friends." The God stroked his lightly bearded chin, deep in thought. "The young warriors: The Hulkling and the Wiccan, they truly lay together? Not just as brethren in the glory of combat?"

"Well, they're practically still kids," Steve said, "They love each other, but, uh, I doubt that they lay together ye-"

"Yes, Thor. They lay together." Tony once again cut in more frankly.

"They care about each other the same way you care about Jane." Steve attempted the gentler approach again.

Thor's brow did not unfurrow. "They are fine warriors, brave and noble."

"Plenty of gay people have been throughout history. The ancient Spartans encouraged it in their soldiers because it made them more dedicated to protecting each other." Steve was apparently determined to be a public service announcement.

Thor nodded slowly to himself, staring at his own hands. "I have much to consider, many thanks for your explanations." He stood, and his brow still folded by thought, gave them a friendly expression before walking away.

"Do you think we managed to be enlightening?" Steve asked altruistically.

"I think it's not my job to give sensitivity training."

* * *

><p>Later that night, Steve stared absently at the t.v. screen, listening to Thor attempt to approach the couch quietly.<p>

"Steve, my friend." He finally spoke instead of simply hovering.

"Yes?"

"May I ask you a question concerning our previous discourse?"

"Of course, come take a seat." The Cpt. patted the seat cushions beside him invitingly. Thor sat, albeit stiffly.

"If…" He began, still frowning. Steve hoped his face hadn't been that way since morning.

"…If my brother were truly…If he had a love of men…You would say there was no shame in this?" Thor's facial expression was difficult to read.

"Right. No shame." Steve tried valiantly to pretend that Loki's sexual orientation wasn't one of the last things he ever wanted to discuss, ever, with anyone.

The Norseman gave his familiar, slow nod. "I think that mayhap, he may be…like that." Thor bit the inside of his cheek. "He has never shown proper interest in maidens, he is a magic user," He counted on his fingers as if categorizing his proof in list form, "he looked at warriors sometimes in a way I never understood (even though he thought them complete fools), and-"

"Thor," Steve interjected as politely as possible, "I understand how shocking it is to have to re-evaluate values the way you are; I've been there. But it helps to just let things go sometimes, I think. Try to look at it this way: what, in this corporeal world, would actually be different if your brother was gay?"

"Well, I would of course have to find him a proper husband." Thor replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Steve struggled not to spit out his milk. "Pardon?"

"A husband, I said."

"Wh-Why would you need to find him a husband? That is an awfully invasive thing, especially to do for someone to whom you're not speaking." And who is an insane super villain , he added internally.

"Steve Rogers, it is my responsibility."

"Why?"

"When a father is not in a position to acquire honorable suitors, it is the duty of the brother to make sure his sister has a good husband who will respect, protect, and provide for them. Loki is not my sister, I understand," Thor added as if it was an after thought, "But it applies."

Steve took a moment to just be silent, breathed in, and resumed trying to communicate.

"Do you think maybe Loki doesn't exactly need to be provided for, or taken care of?"

Thor scoffed. "Steve Rogers, he has such little prowess in battle that he must rely on magic and being clever to protect himself, and he no longer has his own inheritance immediately available, so he needs a true warrior who can provide for him. Do you not agree?"

Steve opened his mouth. Steve closed his mouth. He repeated that pattern awkwardly for a few seconds.

"I…think that we're just coming up against a cultural difference here."

"Ah, I see, understandable." Thor said amicably. "First thing on the morrow I shall begin to consider candidates. Would you honor me with assistance? I have learned that at times it is wise to accept council."

"I…Alright, yes…I'll help you." He figured it was far better to be able to monitor the situation than let it run wild.


	2. Chapter 2

"This is a terrible idea." Sif shook her head. "The lie-smith will not react well to being treated as a bride."

"I must agree with her, my friend, he is not a maid, plain and simple." Volstagg said, voice naturally loud. Hogun silently shook his head in abhorrence at the idea.

"Well, think of it this way," Fandral began, tucking a blond lock behind his ear, "he's far more maidenly than Sif here, isn't he? He has payed no heed to any of our other traditions, why should he not break this one?"

"Most men are more maidenly than I." Sif grumbled.

"I appreciate the support Fandral, but I would have you refrain from calling him maidenly." Thor gave his much repeated reminder that Loki was, in fact still his brother.

"Apologies."

"Accepted. Now, Steven, you shall be the scribe on this 'erase board' as you refer to it."

"Alright." Steve uncapped his marker.

"We should not be doing this." Volstagg re-asserted.

"Why would you encourage this in him?" Sif asked, baffled.

"You all know I love my brother and want the best for him." Thor explained earnestly. "I must do right by him. So, who do we know that is of the gays?"

"I think we do not." Fandral offered unhelpfully.

"Does this mean we have a quest?" Sif seemed to perk up at the idea, ever the epic hero.

"Aye, Sif, I believe it does." Thor nodded vigorously.

"If you're absolutely intent on doing this, maybe it's best to find out if Loki actually is gay, before you find him a husband." Steve suggested with a deep foreboding sensation.

"Hmph. That sounds sage." Thor ceased smiling and then brightened again in rapid succession. "Fandral! You must seduce my brother!"

"I must what?" Fandral's painstakingly coiffed chin dropped.

"Seduce Loki, how else shall we find out?"

"Ask." Steve pleaded and rubbed his sore neck.

"He is not honest, asking is pointless." Volstagg reluctantly agreed with his prince.

"I shall tell him I must have an urgent peaceful meeting with him. You shall go instead. Woo him; you are wondrous at wooing." Thor complimented sincerely.

Fandral appeared too unnerved to speak.

"Come now, Fandral," Volstagg sighed, and action that heaved his massive girth, "all you must do is reveal a willingness. It is not as if he is monstrous looking anyways."

"Well, yes...but..." Fandral's surrender was evident on his face.

Sif crinkled her nose and crossed her arms.

* * *

><p>"Hey, St-Oh! <em>Sonovabitch<em> !" Tony jumped and reached to hit the alarm button by the doorway.

"Wait, friend, he comes in peace!" Fandral shouted and stood. Tony turned back hesitantly, not yet ready to let his hand move too far away from the button. Loki was in his tower. Yet there he sat, across from Fandral, simply eating a bowl of something that probably did not belong to him.

"We are waiting for Thor. Apparently my presence is grievously needed." Loki informed him, but did not sound as if he really cared.

"Oh." Was all Tony managed in return. He was not feeling less tense at the explanation.

"Sit with us, we are having a lovely afternoon." Fandral offered, and Loki continued to look disinterested. Tony begrudgingly sat, body taut with ill anticipation.

"So, Stark, how goes the heroics?" Loki asked the uncomfortable silence's newest addition.

"Well. How goes the villainy?"

"Well."

Tony nodded and moved away to pour himself something to drink. He watched them, thoroughly unnerved, but trying not to show it. Loki stared at Fandral, stony faced, while Fandral smiled broadly back. He was starting to wonder if blond Asgardians were all born without the ability to read social cues.

"Coffee?" Tony asked.

"Yes." Fandral's smile widened.

"No." Loki rolled his heavily lidded eyes.

"You do not want any? It is good, you should partake." Fandral urged with his brightest grin.

"Why do you keep offering me food and drink, Fandral?" Loki set down his spoon neatly. "If you were not so attached to being a daring vision of masculinity and chivalry, I would think you were attempting to poison me."

"Never! Never would I be so underhanded!"

"You bore me. Thank you, Tony Stark, for your unwitting hospitality." Loki stood, and grasping his coat, simply disappeared.

"Curses!" Fandral slammed his hand onto the table and Tony wondered how he could protect his furniture from Asgardians more effectively.

"What was that about?"

"We are on a quest!" Fandral informed him with a new grin.

"Ah." Tony took a much needed gulp of his coffee, "Anything I should know about?" He leaned back against his counter.

"Aye!" The charming bowman approached the counter, leaning forward. "We are finding the lie-smith a husband."

"Oh, Jesus." Tony closed his eyes. "Why? What is wrong with you people?"

"Nothing! Simply assisting Thor with his familial responsibility." Fandral defended his position without an ounce of humor.

"I just don't even..." Tony grumbled, walking away. "Get out of my tower, please." He called over his shoulder.

* * *

><p>"He did not find you dashing?" Thor sat down with a loud thunk.<p>

"I do not believe so...but, truthfully, I did not really know how to woo him." Fandral shook his head ruefully. "Were he a maid I would have given him sweet compliments and told her of pasts quests and glories. But what does a man like to be complimented on when he is being romanced? Loki was present for many of said 'quests and glories', and he has never been particularly impressed by them. He would probably not take well to my chivalry. There were no opportunities to save him from peril either. What would you have me do?" He shrugged helplessly.

"For all we know, he would rather dash a man's brains across a wall than give himself shamefully to him." Sif sat back.

"Do not kid yourself Sif." Volstagg grumbled through his beard.

"Maybe this is one of those times when you need to know when to quit." Steve advised hopefully and immediately regretted it. It seemed nothing encouraged these five more than open discouragement did.

"I do not kid myself." Sif countered.

"We must simply press on anew!" Thor announced to the re-assembled ad hoc council.

"Well, not all maids favor Fandral's form ." Fandral shot up and indignant eye brow, but Sif continued unfazed. "Why does someone else not try?"

"Like Captain Steve Rogers?" Volstagg asked.

"No." Steve shook his head firmly.

"Why?" Thor gaped.

"I have no interest in seducing anyone under false pretenses." He attempted to reason.

Sif just shrugged her firm shoulders. "All you must do is make him show his interest."

"It's wrong, dangerous, dishonest, and I am just absolutely not comfortable with it." Steve expanded in an attempt to put it to rest.

"Fine, Steven." Thor raised his palms. "Very well."

"Volstagg?" Sif turned to her hulking friend.

"I'm true to my lady." He countered quickly.

"The Man of Iron?" Sif suggested.

"I shall ask him." Thor nodded, seeming pleased. "Where is Anthony?" He turned to Steve.

"I really don't think that's a good idea, Thor."

"May I not inquire?"

Steve only sighed. Thor took it as a yes.


	3. Chapter 3

Tony spit his seltzer back into his glass.

"You want me to get your crazy little brother into bed?"

"Nay!" Thor denied with proper vehemence. "Just reveal his interest!"

"Ah. You do realize he would probably try to behead me, right?"

"That's why you must tread with caution." Sif reminded the unconvinced billionaire.

"We would be a holler away." Thor attempted to assure him.

"He's got a pretty nice ass, and he knows how to do his haird, I'll give you that." Tony started, causing Thor to look disturbed. "But, as is often the case, hot and crazy go together like peanut butter and jelly."

"I do not understand what that means." Thor frowned, only knowing he felt vaguely upset by all of his friend's statements about his little brother, especially the statement about his back side.

"He means," Steve intervened, "Although he wishes he could help you with this, it's just neither safe nore wise."

"We need this for our quest, Sir Stark." Sif pushed.

Tony leveled his unmoved gaze at her. "Would you honestly say you'd do it if the situation were reversed?"

Sif stared defiantly back, eyes narrowing, chin tilted skyward. "If my only obstacle was this fear of danger you possess, nothing could stop me."

Steve tried in vain to tell Tony not to openly discourage them using only his eyes.

"Please, Anthony, I shall be horribly dishonored and ashamed if I fail at my duties to my family. Please assist us." Thor's blue eyes widened in hope.

Tony rolled his eyes and sighed in resignation. "I'll give it a shot."

* * *

><p>Tony held the icepack firmly against his forehead and avoided Agent Coulson's eyes. The rest of the Avengers looked at him expectantly while Coulson stood there, hands on his hips, making his best 'well, I'm waiting' paternal disapproval face.<p>

"In my defense, Thor asked me to do it."

"I most certainly did not ask you to grope my kin!" Thor stood with indignation, which Tony felt people had been doing an awful lot in his tower lately.

"Thor, take a seat." Coulson ordered without turning around.

"Soo, you think he'll file a sexual harassment charge?" Clint snickered from where he was lounging.

"Not funny. Do you know how many times that's almost happened to him?" Pepper scolded him as she entered the room.

"Hey," Peter cut in, "If he didn't want to get teased he probably shouldn't have paused during a fight to slap a super villain on the ass."

"I'm still waiting for a real explanation." Coulson reminded Tony, who was still just slouching in his chair, hand pressed to his head.

"Thor wanted to know which team his brother plays for." Tony shrugged and tried to act as if he though that was a proper explanation.

"Dude, just ask him." Peter rolled his eyes.

"Why is that something we even need to know about him?" Janet asked, appearing very tired.

"How do you ever get laid Tony, if that's your game plan for gauging interest?" Clint scoffed.

Coulson answered his phone.

"Did that even ring?" Peter whispered to Steve.

"Where? Mhm..." Coulson nodded. "They'll be right there." He slipped the phone back onto his belt and re focused on the team. "Doom's making a scene downtown. Civilians aren't in immediate danger yet, but you know it'll probably take a turn soon."

* * *

><p>When they arrived on the scene, there was immediately more confusion as so what exactly they should be doing. Doom wasn't really doing much harm, being more noisy and blocking traffic than anything else. He stepped down from his large metallic monstrosity when he spotted their arrival.<p>

"Stark!" Doom bellowed in his best villainous baritone.

"Doom?" Tony called back. "What are you up to?"

"Getting your attention." The Doctor crossed his arms across his broad chest menacingly.

"Well, you've got it now." Steve imitated the gesture.

"Not yours!" Doom snapped. "Yours." He spun to only face the newly landed Iron Man. "Keep your hands off of what is mine!"

"I...We just got here, and only because you lured us." Spider Man tried to remind the villain.

"Hush, child! Adults are speaking." Doom hissed. "I put up with much from you vermin, but this is a step too far. If you wish to harass a Norse God, do so to you own, not mine."

"What?" Tony was very confused.

"Do not play dumb with me, you lascivious scoundre-"

"Victor!" A voice interrupted loudly, followed by a small wisp of green smoke and the appearance of a very disgruntled Loki. "What on Midgard do you think you're doing?" He placed his long hands on his hips.

"Settling this matter with Stark. Didn't you get my note?"

"I received it. Last time I checked though, we had dinner plans. Instead I find you shouting at the Avengers for no sensible reason." Loki said in explanation, folded his thing lips in displeasure, green eyes wide with exasperation.

"No reason? I was watching the news, only to see him," He flung an armored finger out to point venomously at Iron Man, "lewdly grab you. Should I let such an insult pass?"

The Avenger's jaws had become quite slack, standing in the middle of the road.

"Victor Von Doom," Loki intoned and drew himself up to his full height, "I am not your lady. Some mortal's slight against my honor does not impune yours."

"They should know better than to touch what is mine!"

"Yours? I belong to you now, do I?" Loki scoffed, chin high, white teeth bared.

"Yes, Loki, you are my ally, you share my mansion, you share my bed, you are my partner in all my grand sweeping plans: You are mine!" Doom responded with impatience.

"No more than you are mine!" Loki sneered.

"I never said otherwise."

The response seemed to give the God of Mischief pause.

"Fine." Loki said more quietly, face becoming impassive. "But leave the Man of Iron be. his puny human hands should not have strayed so," He shot Tony a pointed look, "But I am not ," the look was redirected towards Doom, "some poor ravished maiden whose honor needs reclaiming by you. He has already been punished." Loki smiled at his final words.

Tony felt his head throb from the earlier injury.

"Fine." Victor relented. "But nothing like this shall transpire again, Stark."

"He knows, believe me." Loki replied, looking exceedingly pleased with himself. "Now, come, you've made quite a scene."

"Wait!" Thor yelled and outstretched a hand. "Brother, you share his bed?"

Loki spared a small sneer out of the corner of his eye for his brother, grabbed Doom 'round the arm, and simply was no longer there.

"What the fuck?" Clint was the first to speak; bow filled hands hanging slack by his sides.

"I guess we've got your answer, big guy." Tony said, turning to the stunned Thor.

"Aye." Thor returned to his oft used confused frown and directed it at the empty street. "Indeed we do."


End file.
